Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

12. I think about this all the damn time

When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

This made me smile…

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

A bold strategy

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?