Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
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[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god