Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
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{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows