Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?

Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water

J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:

1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.

2. This is serious, why so many?

3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.

Was it something I said?

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

Here’s where I leave the earth for good.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.

The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.