Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.

u spoke cat all this time??????

Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg

I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.

[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

[their last appetizer]

Her: I don’t want it. You have it.

Him: I don’t want it either, you…

Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.

Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

*leaving a wedding*

me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s

Before 40: stretch to prevent injury

After 40: injure self during stretching

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?