Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

date: are u a tender lover?

me: more of a dino nugget guy

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough

If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream