Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.

0/10 stars, would not recommend.”

– Super Mario Bros. Online review

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.