monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
If snakes were wide
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house