monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop