monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
What fresh Hell is this?!?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.