Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
then why did i get this email
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]