Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Mission: Impossible
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”