Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
pain
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.