Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
It was worth a shot 😂
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
in 3 months
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?