Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.

Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year

Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers

Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

this is the best interaction on twitter

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys

“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”

Every child ever: No you’re not.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: Street magic

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”