Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
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After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Me trying to look natural in photos
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
😾
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer