Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

AT MY FUNERAL:

My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

400 fucking grocery carts to choose from and I always pick the Ford Pinto with a flat tire.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

Just experienced LA to its fullest.

A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”

I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”

Well played, well played!

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…

…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.