Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.