Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Air conditioning – not a fan
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿