[montage of me giving-up]
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“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Who’s ready for Friday?!
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
They must have gotten it to go.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.