Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?

I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.

*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

Tuesday

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.