*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Noah was an idiot.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood