Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

Mom: we picked Bertha

Shakespere: oh god ew

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

Me: I said you would learn a ton working with the public in this job. What would you say is the most important thing you’ve learned so far?

17: That the public is crazy.

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

Who needs an Air Fryer?

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no

Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?

Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels

Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

Body by sandwich.

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁