Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:

If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check

I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?

Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:

“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”

“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”

“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”

[Intruder breaking into my house]

Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off

Him: Huh?

Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start

Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off

Me: *tightening karate belt* I know

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges

Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.

Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

We need more people like this.