[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
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ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this