[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue