Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.

Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

goldfish mafia

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.

[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.

I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.