@PleaseBeGneiss

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

[months from now]

CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside

Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?

- @PleaseBeGneiss

You Might Also Like

@ShawtySouth

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

@KentWGraham

There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.

@MaryJustice86

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

@XplodingUnicorn

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

@Mom_Overboard

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

@carlyken

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

@dumbbeezie

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks

@CornOnTheGoblin

she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]