[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
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Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox