Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Anarchy

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Feels

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Which knight can find anything?

Sir Chengine.

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

astronaut: houston come in

houston: this had better be important

astronaut: it’s urgent

houston: fine what

astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float

friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late

me: *1 week later* for what?

THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*