Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money

[surprising my bf at work]

Me: Hey you *wink*

Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave

Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*

Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

me 2 months after i graduated

Wife: Have you considered therapy?

Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career

Wife: *stabs me

Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?

Me: I don’t think so

Cop: *pulls out egg*

Me: what lol

Cop: *pulls out another egg*

Me: wait how are you doing that?

Cop: *pulls out third egg*

Me: ok mister

Cop: *pulls out egg carton*

Me: what a fun time we’re having

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

How many light bulbs does it take to change people?