moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
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Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
😭😭
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop