moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
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I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.