Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer

Ikea Employee: I’m calling security

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

My retirement plan is to become a cat.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.

@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

[first day as a lion tamer]

me: don’t worry i totally researched this…

ring master: um ok

me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING

So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said

Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?

Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.