“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
this… may be the greatest story ever told
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.