mood
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
mood
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?