Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?

Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

how many bears make up a bear minimum

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings