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Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
My mom texting me from an anime convention
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?