Mood.. 😂
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Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.