Mood.. 😂
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Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
30 minutes was not the right answer.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.