mood
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
This meeting could have been a cake
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.