mood
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People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator