3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.