For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
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Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.