Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.

Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol

PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do

Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.

Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.