Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
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It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test
Y’all ready for this
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…