Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.