Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!

Kids: Yay!

M: See you in a week!
*slams door*

Kids: …

A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Phonetics

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!