@BoomBoomBetty: Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
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@notshivi: The year is 2075. A student asks how World War 3 began. The teacher responds with "Well, James Franco and Seth Rogen made a movie..."
@HenpeckedHal: Things that made my toddler cry this week: - I wouldn't let the dog drive him to daycare - the bath was "too wet" - he wanted syrup for breakfast...just syrup - his sister "keeps looking at him" - he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob) How about your kid?
@crocodilethumbs: Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
@hardicecrm: Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive. My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it's not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.