Mood.. 😂
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Goat cheese is for herders.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?