“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

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My wife left me for a fisherman.

Poor guy’s still reeling.


Not to brag, but according to this food packaging I just ate enough fancy cashews to serve 638 people.


I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.


Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.


[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos


*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.


*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*


Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure


Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.


I once left a love note on the wrong car, so yeah, you should totally trust me with important paperwork.