“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning

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You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.


ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?


I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available


DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does


[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share


I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good


I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’


Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.

Friend: Who did?

Me: Yep.