You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
me: “so is this a date?”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?