Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Did…did a minotaur write this
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Owl Sanctuary
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”