“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
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Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
this is me
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating