[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
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[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.