Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”

Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.

The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.

This Thanksgiving my 27 year old liberal nephew will be fighting my 58 year old conservative uncle at the dinner table in case Netflix wants to film that too

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.

Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words

Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

Cashier: What does your tattoo say?

Me: It doesn’t talk.

Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?

Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.

Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

Church Pugh’s

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”