Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?

Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”

Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.

I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

[being murdered]

Me: omg barry? from high school?

Barry: no way {stab} dave?

Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?

Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now

Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

FUN FACT:

Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.