Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69 

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.

dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months

Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens

Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol