My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?
Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
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attorney: [reading my will] my darling wife, to whom i bequeath the totality of my…updog
[whole room groans]
attorney: it says to pause to allow anyone to inquire as to what updog is
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Give me your water, Human!
“Get out of the house. I live here now.”