Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
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I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Don’t we all.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.