@ArfMeasures

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

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@Mr_Bucky

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

@Shen_the_Bird

attorney: [reading my will] my darling wife, to whom i bequeath the totality of my…updog

[whole room groans]

attorney: it says to pause to allow anyone to inquire as to what updog is

@Cheeseboy22

My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.

@ParasiteHilton

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

@Ristolable

A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.

@gwatts77

If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.

@shkeeber

“Knock knock”

Who’s there?

“Russia”

Russia who?

“Get out of the house. I live here now.”