[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
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Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Sheep
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
We need more people like this.
