Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.

This is amazing.

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

DOOO EEEET

Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.

Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job

one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too

DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?

VADER: On the dark side.

DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?

VADER: Star bucks.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible

Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..

Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Billion dollar technology idea:

A printer that works

WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.