Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

[in restaurant]

“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”

“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.

9yo: Who took my hair tie?

Me: I didn’t.

9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.

Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

The eclipse was like April fools for birds

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!

I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE

[at hair salon]

Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!!

[in car two minutes later]

Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair

Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then please

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.

*Show and tell day*

Me: You know what to do?

Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”

Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate