Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

rich people when they have to pay taxes

3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02

me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06

me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.