Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

hear me out: A Netflix series where MMA champions go undercover to Eagles games wearing the opposing team’s jersey

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much

“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

Him: “Are you single?”

Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”

Why the hell does that hurt now?

Me, waking up every morning.

10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still