Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real