Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
u spoke cat all this time??????
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
💀🤣
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.