Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Cat or sheep
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES