“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!