“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the apple watch she was expecting for her birthday
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.