“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password