“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.