“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My kids refused to let me “friend” them on Facebook, as they didn’t want me to see what they were up to. So I created an account for the family dog, they immediately friended and I can see everything.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*