“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Catering service
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
put ‘er there pardner!
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood