“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Rooting for the overdog
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
“Why you watching this shit?”
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly