CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
– bilingual donkey
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
The 6 types of sex
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I wanna hear one person say that their motivation to lose weight was how bad their farts were. Just a guy crying like “it was ripping my family apart.”
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro