Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…

Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”

Jesus: *deletes my account*

Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

We need it on priority

Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone

:/

I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

It’s time for Final Jeopardy! 👨🏻

Category: Sharks of the Sea

This shark is nicknamed the “garbage can of the sea” for its indiscriminate diet, which includes turtles, seabirds, and even license plates.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

Think I left the oven on, better turn around

-me, leading a wagon train

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]

Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.

[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]

Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

scares

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING