Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
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me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’
thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit
me: Bitey loves kids doe
My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him: Which half?
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
You’re supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation