Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
You Might Also Like
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
my mind
You just read my mind
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.