@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

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@lazerdoov

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

@eyeswidebutt

me: SHOW ME WHERE IT SAYS `NO CATS ALLOWED’

thats not a cat its a king cobra & it just went into the ballpit

me: Bitey loves kids doe

@ilovepie84

My neighbor once said he was as healthy as a horse. Today he broke his leg so I had to put him down.

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

@3sunzzz

In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.

@XplodingUnicorn

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

@david8hughes

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

@EJGomez

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

@sixfootcandy

You’re supposed to pee on a Jellyfish sting and not a jelly stain? Well that was really embarrassing.

@poe927

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation