Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

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ME: “Your”


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[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?



Him: Which half?


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me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what


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Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation